Long distance relationship.
Thursday, July 5, 2012 ★ 5:53 AM │
Hello :D
Today I'm writing another story. I really don't know the theme I'm just writing with the flow of my fingers but I really need to release something out through writing so here it is.
I hate my life. My fake friends. My family. Everything is pretty much wrong in this stupid dump. The only person I trusted went to college a few months ago and literally everything sucks without him. I entered sophomore year and I guess it's true what they say. Every person who has a vagina turns into a bitch in Sophomore year. Literally everyone. Including teachers assigned to Sophomore years.
Every girl in this school thinks school is like a beauty pageant contest where everyone must look perfect very over-groomed and flashy cars and dresses. Oh and don't forget to mention the ten pound make up cake on their faces. The guys? Some of them are relaxed but the others are like Ken dolls for the Barbie girls of Venison high.
And then here I am, thinking school is shit and I only wear sweatpants and a tshirt to school everyday. My hair tied in a ponytail, no cake on my face. I don't even know how to apply make up other than powder and lip gloss. I literally stopped trying to learn how to wear make up and style my hair after the first half of Junior year.
Do I have any special hobbies such as stealing boyfriends or shopping till I max out my credit cards? First, I don't even have credit cards. Ma offered but I don't want one. My hobbies range around reading and painting. And my only real true friend is Alex. Who went to college and left me alone in this dumpster. I hate the age difference between us.
After he left everyone picked on me because they said my guardian angel's gone. Because we're like the only two relaxed I'm-only-here-because-I-have-to-be kids in school. The others like to impress each other and get into cat fights, pulling hair over cheating boyfriends.. And I had always been the can't be bothered blissfully happy kid. Until Alex left for college last summer.
After he left it seems like all those catty bitches tried to change me into one of them and almost everyday they pick on me. For an instance, my locker is painted with a new insult once a month. I don't have to mention the other stuff they did but you get the picture.
And everyday after school, I'll dial up Alex's number and talk and spill out everything that I feel. Some days are so bad I cried in the phone and one time he turned up on my door after driving non stop for five hours from NYU with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. I try to hold on to that memory when I can't stand the bullying.
So what if I don't fit in. I don't want MAC cake on my face. I want to be me. If you guys can't accept that then that's fine. I have Alex and I love him. You can do anything to me, but I will be able to get through it.
Today Alex's visiting. I miss him so much. For once I want to spend a day with no one else but him. I guess this is how long distance relationships work. When you're away from each other too long you miss each other too much and when you get to see each other nobody can separate you two again. And I like it this way. Just Alex and me in front of the xbox bickering over COD. Because I'm strong with him.
The meeting between Wind and Light.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012 ★ 3:25 AM │
*Chris's POV*
Dear diary,
My life is a mess without Em. I guess it's true she's a hurricane. She wrecked mine when she left. I miss her more than words can say. I tried finding her, but that's no use. She moved away just after she sent me her letter saying goodbye. I asked her cousin, Elena but she was asked by Em to not tell, and she won't. I don't know what more to do.
It's been three months. Everything is a blurred picture without my hurricane by my side. I go to school, make sure my mother is fine, and go to my part time job at the drug store and end my days listening to music in my room trying to stop my heart from beating. But I won't harm myself in any way more than this. I promised Em I would not cut or do anything that would change me. Each time I go home, I see the sight of my mum and wished I did the same thing that Lila did with Damien before she did it. So I can runaway with Em and live happily.
I wish I did that. Because I lost her. And all I'm concentrating on now is my mum. She needs rehab and I'm getting her in one. No matter what she says. Because I can't fix her alone. She needs professional help, and no matter how much it costs I'm getting it to her. That's why I'm working double shifts at the drug store after school.
The day I met my hurricane, I was working the night shift at the drug store. I was stacking some boxes behind the counter when I heard the usual chime meaning a customer has entered and I went to the front to accommodate the person.And the person was her. My hurricane. She looked a bit different. Her hair was dyed red from black. Her scent is till the same though. It was like drug to me. A very missed and rare drug.
I was captivated, as I had always been. The first time she saw me after three months I could see the shock in her eyes. I must've looked different to her. And that's true. I even feel different. I see the world differently without her. I lost ten pounds a month. I barely eat, and when I eat it's only because I remember her words to not punish myself for her mistakes.
But I am.
She gasped and a tear rolled off her cheek and in that very instance I hugged her with every ounce of me that she took when she left. We cried and I whispered between tears to her to not leave again, please never leave again, I can't do this without you. And she said, 'Do what? You never tell me what has been bothering you this badly.' I told her that back then I wasn't ready. Now I am and I am ready to tell her everything about Lila and mum and my wrecked life. She said she had been wanting to know for forever and if forever is now she will be ready to listen.
But in my arms, she hugged me and said why I got so thin in three months? Had I not been taking care of myself the way she trusted me to? Did I stop eating? She checked my sleeves and she held her breath. When she sees that they are clean without any cuts she inhaled air and almost collapsed in my arms due to stress. She was so worried I wouldn't be the same Sun I was back then.
I closed off the store and we walked hand in hand towards the park where we first met. The air was chilly and I took off my jacket and put it around her arms. She looked happy to be back and when we got there I put her on the swing and pushed it for her while we talk. She told me she left for Boston. She told me that she was trying to find happiness and she really thought she was sucking mine out. She was definitely wrong. She was the sole purpose of my life.
I asked her why she decided to colour her hair red and she said she never thought she would be coming back anytime soon. But now that she's here, she sees no way to go again. She said I'm her home and three months from each other was too much. Too much to handle.
I then took the swing next to her and I started my story. I told her about Lila, about mum and how it was hurting me to see her passed out each time I went home drunk on vodka. I told her the reason why I didn't tell her about my family was because I wasn't proud of them. I told her about my dad. And throughout it all, Em never let go of my hand. She squeezed it when she thinks I need strength from her. I told her about my plan sending mum to rehab. And how hard it was when she was gone.
She cried again and told me she was sorry for leaving. She said it was all a mistake and a rash decision. She said she thought I was fading away from her and she can't stand seeing me leaving her like that. So she did it. And now she knows the truth she hates herself for hurting me in this way. It was never what she meant to do.
We shared stories of stuff that happened outside each other's company. How Em felt vulnerable without me. How I felt lifeless without her. And everything was in sync now she was with me. Everything is fine. We walked home hand in hand and I kissed her on the doorstep of her house and walked back to mine with a glow in my heart that has been lost for three months.
The next day, with the help of Em I bought mum to St Jude Hospital and we met a therapist by the name of Doctor Adam. He admitted her and monitored her health before deciding she needs rehab. She was put in there until she recovers, he said. I accepted his decision, it's for the best.
I walked out of the rehab centre with Em holding hands. I could feel the pieces of my life coming back together. I guess it's true what they say. Love can appear in any shape and form. It doesn't matter that I'm the Sun and she's hurricane. For me, she's what I need to keep going.
When my wind moves away.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012 ★ 7:34 AM │
I will be writing the prose from the Sun's POV.
p/s: try listening to Crazy by Daughtry while reading this.
Dear diary,
I noticed the change in Em. I am very well aware it is because of me, but to trouble her with my family problems seems selfish, because she never troubles me about anything. Her crying in my arms when someone bothers her or when she had a bad day wasn't something I hate. Instead, it made me feel needed and fuel me strength.
It makes me happy to see her trying hard to make me happy. Bake cupcakes, made me a new scarf that I now wear everyday. But it makes me sad in the same time too. I'm hurting her by keeping Delilah a secret. Delilah, why oh why must you did what you had done? If only..
Delilah, you were my only sister. Why did you have to run away from home? Our life is wrecked enough, I understand. But do pity mum, she had grew us up with everything she could without that drunk fart helping. All he ever did was hurt us and took our money to buy drinks and hire prostitutes. I couldn't bring myself to tell Em about my past. She could be scared, and run from me and maybe fall for someone normal like the other guys in school.
I know you had a boyfriend, Delilah. But Em is my girlfriend and we became each other's strengths. I didn't need to runaway and live with her to be happy. Seeing her on a daily basis is enough. I'm happy. But what you did, made mum fall back into her abyss of drug abuse. I couldn't stand the sight of it. When I come home, I see her lying half alive on the floor, and I carry her in my arms and put her in bed and lock the door of my room, punch the wall and put on loud booming music to forget everything.
And this has been going on for more than a month. From drug abuse, she turned to hurting herself. SHE CUTS, Lila. The person who gave birth to both of us, is dying inside and killing herself in front of your brother. While you ran away with Damien to find a new life, the way you put it.
I was so caught up in keeping mum alive and myself intact in one piece, I forgot I'm Em's Sun. I barely smile outside her company. I keep to myself most. One day, Em confronted me at the park where we first met and asked me why. Yet, I brushed her away till her frustrations fade and we went to her house. I took my guitar which lies next to her bed and played our song. She smiled and a tear rolled down her cheek. Only God knows how guilty I felt for letting the love of my life in pain. I wiped it away, and she hold my hand on her cheek. I counted the movement of her chest, and once she falls asleep, I cried. I cried silently, wishing I am strong to face all of this.
But I can't. I know sharing is a good thing. I know if I told her I might feel better, feel good. But I can't possibly trouble a mind that is already troubled by many other matters bigger than mine. Maybe it's my trait to have been so independent. I know she will hate me for this. But baby, being by my side every day is enough to fuel my strength.
If only I had told her. Because she noticed. She felt it. I am her Sun. How could I have forget?! How? I was so busy, so caught up in what you have left me to handle, Lila, that you made me lost my life, too. You knew that you were Mum's life. But you hurt her, you tore her apart by leaving. And I was busy fixing her that I forgot I'm Em's source to live. She's depressed, she had always been. The first time I saw her smile was when she was in my arms. And I faded away from her side because of YOU, Lila.
And she left me. She said she's a hurricane. I'm a Sun. A hurricane and a Sun can't be together. She wrecks me. She thinks she wrecks me, when mum and you and everything that's happening is what wrecking me senseless at this very moment. How can she take this as her fault? She cannot be blamed.. not at all..
I'm going crazy.. Em, my sweet Em.. come back. Please, before I give up on fixing the broken pieces of my life.. I need you..
your half alive Sun,
Chris.
a Vow to myself.
★ 6:34 AM │
hello! xx what I will be writing today is a prose. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything. Please don't be #terasa tak bertempat. Cheers!
Darling,
Before I met you, my life was a mess. I was on the run, from what I don't know. But everything was wrong, from my school life to home and friends and just basically everything. I was giving up. The exams was nearing, the pressure was intense. And then I saw you.
I got lost in your eyes, in how their calmness never fades, even when you were having a bad day and everything feels wrong. The calmness in you somehow spreads inside me and I feel it in every ounce, every cell that lives in this vessel by the name of Emily Anne Everdeen. It was not long before all my troubles faded away, replaced with a certain kind of happiness unable to be described in human language.
My dear,
what saddens me is that you never confide your troubles in me. You look calm more than anyone I knew, maybe that is why you're so perfect for me, but darling, even if I cannot help you in any way, listening to your troubles might help ease the pain, no? When I ask you what is troubling your mind, you would easily smile put an arm around me and say nothing. Then, to keep my mind off your troubles, you would sing to me my favourite song, Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran.
And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed in my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms
My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed in my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Yeah I've been feeling everything
I guess that's how I know you
So I hold you close to help you give it up
So kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Darling, for me your voice is like an angel's trying to soothe a crying baby. Soft and sweet, and listening to you singing our song is enough to ensure me that this will last. Nothing can come in between. We're happy. We're not troubled. But when you do this, I forgot something. That trouble and problems rarely stop haunting the human mind.
Slowly, as time pasts; I noticed the change in you. The way you smile and laugh sounds forced. But the calmness in your eyes never fades. Maybe you know that I can't live without your calm eyes, they're my strength. But dear, you forgot that when you didn't see your Sun's smile for a bit too long, you yourself lost your smile.
I tried to keep you happy, I made presents. I stayed up all night knitting a scarf and made mixtapes and cupcakes and what more? When I present you with something, you smile. And it's sincere. But outside me and you, I rarely see you smile and I want you to smile. Sure, I want to keep you all to myself, but I don't want you to be depressed. I want my Sun to shine as bright as he can. More than I ever could, because hurricanes don't shine. They wreck stuff.
And maybe, just maybe, I'm wrecking you. Hurricanes can't fall in love with the Sun. It would keep moving it's way towards the Sun and wrecking everything in between. Wrecking Earth, trees, people, home. And I realized, while listening to our song; that I had been wrecking you. I had been keeping you all to myself and not letting your light to the world. and maybe, it's tiring you. maybe, I'm tiring you.
So I am writing this letter to tell you goodbye. I don't know in what way should I put this. Miss Hurricane can't possibly live without her Sun. But she is only wrecking her Sun and she needs to leave. Run far far away from this place, where she is cold and her wind would stop spinning, and the Sun can shine to anyone near him.
I know you can survive without me. I believe you can, I know you will. Please don't seek me. I may have died, would you want a ghost to haunt you in living daylight? Oh no, don't be scared, I was just kidding. But dear, I hope you find someone that can help you shine more brighter, instead of sucking the light to myself. Someone that has the properties of a cloud. She can cover you when you need a hug, and move a bit to help you shine.
All I can do is leave so you will find your happiness. Please. I'm doing this for the best, dear. Please don't be depressed, please don't learn to cut, please don't do anything that will harm yourself.
Darling, I may not leave for good. Do know that this separation is not for forever. Once I learn to be something beautiful like the clouds, or the moon, I will return to your arms. So baby, wait for me. But if you find the wait too long, do not hesitate to find another one. I will always love you, to Pluto and back.
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