a Vow to myself.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012 ★ 6:34 AM │
hello! xx what I will be writing today is a prose. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything. Please don't be #terasa tak bertempat. Cheers!
Darling,
Before I met you, my life was a mess. I was on the run, from what I don't know. But everything was wrong, from my school life to home and friends and just basically everything. I was giving up. The exams was nearing, the pressure was intense. And then I saw you.
I got lost in your eyes, in how their calmness never fades, even when you were having a bad day and everything feels wrong. The calmness in you somehow spreads inside me and I feel it in every ounce, every cell that lives in this vessel by the name of Emily Anne Everdeen. It was not long before all my troubles faded away, replaced with a certain kind of happiness unable to be described in human language.
My dear,
what saddens me is that you never confide your troubles in me. You look calm more than anyone I knew, maybe that is why you're so perfect for me, but darling, even if I cannot help you in any way, listening to your troubles might help ease the pain, no? When I ask you what is troubling your mind, you would easily smile put an arm around me and say nothing. Then, to keep my mind off your troubles, you would sing to me my favourite song, Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran.
And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed in my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms
My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed in my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Yeah I've been feeling everything
I guess that's how I know you
So I hold you close to help you give it up
So kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Darling, for me your voice is like an angel's trying to soothe a crying baby. Soft and sweet, and listening to you singing our song is enough to ensure me that this will last. Nothing can come in between. We're happy. We're not troubled. But when you do this, I forgot something. That trouble and problems rarely stop haunting the human mind.
Slowly, as time pasts; I noticed the change in you. The way you smile and laugh sounds forced. But the calmness in your eyes never fades. Maybe you know that I can't live without your calm eyes, they're my strength. But dear, you forgot that when you didn't see your Sun's smile for a bit too long, you yourself lost your smile.
I tried to keep you happy, I made presents. I stayed up all night knitting a scarf and made mixtapes and cupcakes and what more? When I present you with something, you smile. And it's sincere. But outside me and you, I rarely see you smile and I want you to smile. Sure, I want to keep you all to myself, but I don't want you to be depressed. I want my Sun to shine as bright as he can. More than I ever could, because hurricanes don't shine. They wreck stuff.
And maybe, just maybe, I'm wrecking you. Hurricanes can't fall in love with the Sun. It would keep moving it's way towards the Sun and wrecking everything in between. Wrecking Earth, trees, people, home. And I realized, while listening to our song; that I had been wrecking you. I had been keeping you all to myself and not letting your light to the world. and maybe, it's tiring you. maybe, I'm tiring you.
So I am writing this letter to tell you goodbye. I don't know in what way should I put this. Miss Hurricane can't possibly live without her Sun. But she is only wrecking her Sun and she needs to leave. Run far far away from this place, where she is cold and her wind would stop spinning, and the Sun can shine to anyone near him.
I know you can survive without me. I believe you can, I know you will. Please don't seek me. I may have died, would you want a ghost to haunt you in living daylight? Oh no, don't be scared, I was just kidding. But dear, I hope you find someone that can help you shine more brighter, instead of sucking the light to myself. Someone that has the properties of a cloud. She can cover you when you need a hug, and move a bit to help you shine.
All I can do is leave so you will find your happiness. Please. I'm doing this for the best, dear. Please don't be depressed, please don't learn to cut, please don't do anything that will harm yourself.
Darling, I may not leave for good. Do know that this separation is not for forever. Once I learn to be something beautiful like the clouds, or the moon, I will return to your arms. So baby, wait for me. But if you find the wait too long, do not hesitate to find another one. I will always love you, to Pluto and back.
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